To break the humdrum at the office, my friends colleagues and I strive daily to find ways to annoy the heck out of one another. We decided to make a list for posterity’s sake. Do not try this at home…try this at the office (duh).

Here goes evil:

How to be Obnoxious in the Workplace

1) When conversing, point finger very closely at colleague’s face at every opportunity.

2) Say “Woah woah woah!!” with palms raised and turned outward at every remotely self-complimentary statement someone makes.

3) Constantly remind colleague of that one embarrassingly enthusiastic remark made when he was a newbie. E.g. “Oh yeah, ’cause you’re competitive.”

4) Use bosses’ first names and vague elaborations when describing a work activity that, by chance, only you and said boss are attending to give impression of exclusivity. E.g. “So [Boss name] and I have this thing this weekend…”

5) Mimic colleagues’ oft-expressed catchphrases and apply out of context.

6) Recycle out-of-context management aphorisms enthusiastically at every possible unsuitable occasion. Where possible, get it wrong. E.g. “You know what they say about “ASSUME”?… There’s no I in team!!”

7) Replace clear articulation of anything at all with the word “thingy”. Especially suitable for giving driving directions.

8) Make dirty jokes in presence of nice-guy colleague, then point and remark loudly when said colleague exhibits embarrassed reaction.

9) Go AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW really emphatically and over-affectionately whenever said nice-guy colleague makes a genuinely kind remark.

10) Hover silently behind any colleague deep in concentration on the computer screen. Lean in abruptly, point at screen, say “What’s that?” then casually walk away.

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The author would like to thank Mardhiah and Hui Lin for contributing to this report…and Shazwan for contributing to real-life events.

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