Because I cannot drive very well, I complain too much about how public transport is so inconvenient, and the best places so inaccessible, in KL. And I go on to say, oh, I hate having to depend on other people to go for social gatherings and choir and such.

But I guess today I realised that given I am actually living off the kindness of so many people – the friends who give me lifts to and fro Bangsar or Solaris or (Re)publika or whatever, the new colleague who lets me hitch a ride with her to choir, the new friend who barely hesitated to offer me a lift home every week from choir even without me doing my usual reverse psychology hint thing (oops secret’s out)…I should actually turn around to acknowledge how lucky I am, instead, to have found so many nice people who compensate for my complete lack of city-surviving skills.

Being positive is a choice, no? An unnaturally difficult one for me, however, because I tend to delude myself into labelling myself a “realist” instead.

I’ve been feeling particularly unfulfilled lately. Partly because I’m still stuck in my glory days of university and youthful purpose and freedom and all that shit. Partly because I feel a need to express myself, through song or music composition or writing or heart-to-heart talks – but I am not naturally gifted in the way that I can immediately produce a a tuneful manifestation of my emotions should I wish it. I am also not a natural writer – writing comes to me sporadically, and I wish it was easier. People I genuinely want to speak to on these matters are mostly far away.

If only I had a way of channelling these sudden waves of emotional energy without being slightly destructive of other people who are close to me (ahem, like, more talent). Or a way to just relinquish them. Pop a menstrual panadol or something…lol. I miss UWCC, and the music we used to sing. It was therapeutic, and for all the bother I dragged myself through going to rehearsals, it was always always always worth it.

But in the meantime, while I grow up and get over my girlish struggles, I have decided to embark on a project – to make a hugeass collage of all the blogposts I wrote in my days in the UK, and frame that up. Partly because I want to forever preserve those memories…they were awesome. And partly because I’m hoping that by putting together fragments of my journey of self-discovery, perhaps I might finally, finally, come a bit closer figure out what I really want in life.

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