I am absurdly fond of enduring the torture of sleep-deprived days. Yet, post after post, this is what I harp on about – the ridiculous hour at which I am typing this! Oh, the symptoms of losing hold of the leash…

Usually after practising a song countless times for a performance, I lose interest in the song for a while – it loses the initial impact, it’s different, the novelty has worn off after you have interpreted, reinterepreted, expressed and reexpressed the songs as many ways as you can. It feels like you know it all too well – the enigma wears off.

But after having sung Foolish Games for Charity Night, something about it still moves me like it did the first time. It resonates still, and I thought about it for a while – was it because I’m not satisfied with the performance? Not really. I’m not particularly happy about it, but it was alright.

Now I have a theory. it reeks with discontent. The song about a lover, but in essence it’s about feeling incomplete, and lost in the pursuit of something uncertain- like how I feel at the moment.

I feel unfinished.
I feel like I’m settling for the bottom.
Like there’s so much more I can do with what I have but I just. Cannot. Summon the willpower or the strength, or the level-headedness.

It bothers me that I have a whole readymade template before me, to conduct life the way I want it to go, but it’s not happening.

Some will tell me I need a God, because I am weak and He is strong and He will guide me yada yada yada…

But honestly, the argument is circular. If you want to be able to gather strength from a God, you need to feel his presence. To feel his presence, you need to believe. But to believe, you need to feel his presence in the first place. Et cetera. Right? It’s never ending. Where’s the way out of this circular train of thought, really?

I need to get some sleep. Head’s been heavy the whole day and now I just want to throw up.

*stage whisper* I am pregnant.

Haha, I’m kidding.

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