Something in My Head is Whirring
I am absurdly fond of enduring the torture of sleep-deprived days. Yet, post after post, this is what I harp on about – the ridiculous hour at which I am typing this! Oh, the symptoms of losing hold of the leash…
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Usually after practising a song countless times for a performance, I lose interest in the song for a while – it loses the initial impact, it’s different, the novelty has worn off after you have interpreted, reinterepreted, expressed and reexpressed the songs as many ways as you can. It feels like you know it all too well – the enigma wears off.
But after having sung Foolish Games for Charity Night, something about it still moves me like it did the first time. It resonates still, and I thought about it for a while – was it because I’m not satisfied with the performance? Not really. I’m not particularly happy about it, but it was alright.
Now I have a theory. it reeks with discontent. The song about a lover, but in essence it’s about feeling incomplete, and lost in the pursuit of something uncertain- like how I feel at the moment.
I feel unfinished.
I feel like I’m settling for the bottom.
Like there’s so much more I can do with what I have but I just. Cannot. Summon the willpower or the strength, or the level-headedness.
It bothers me that I have a whole readymade template before me, to conduct life the way I want it to go, but it’s not happening.
Some will tell me I need a God, because I am weak and He is strong and He will guide me yada yada yada…
But honestly, the argument is circular. If you want to be able to gather strength from a God, you need to feel his presence. To feel his presence, you need to believe. But to believe, you need to feel his presence in the first place. Et cetera. Right? It’s never ending. Where’s the way out of this circular train of thought, really?
I need to get some sleep. Head’s been heavy the whole day and now I just want to throw up.
*stage whisper* I am pregnant.
Haha, I’m kidding.
Poetry in Motion
That was how a newspaper critic described Polina Semionova (ballet dancer).
If only life was like that: Poetry in motion. Set against the backdrop of a elaborately crafted string of words, line after beautiful line, pre-determined to come to a conclusion – dangling, tragic or happy, but beautiful no matter what.
Or is it the other way round? Poetry is actually captured stills of life. And it is exaggerated, decorated, polished to the point of fantasy, so when you read a nice piece of poetry or prose that strikes a chord somewhere within your soul you think “ahh what a beautiful way to express life” when actually no it’s all your mind playing tricks on you, life is dreary, routine, and poetry is just a way of cheating you into thinking there’s more to life then what’s here before your eyes.
Hmm. I smell angst, and I wonder where it’s from? I usually romanticise everything.
My inner cynic is spilling out today, I suppose.
Oh Sunny Days
Weather’s been absolutely amazing lately, it’s hard not to feel optimism seep into your skin everytime you step outdoors in that nice summery dress and sandals.
Unfortunately, true to the life of university students, summer’s when the exams are – so yes, indoors we go (most of the time), to our books and lecture notes and intermittent facebook prowling. But of course there’s always time for that occasional picnic or frolicking in the sun – there’ll be one this Friday, with the Malaysian/Singaporean Invasion, as Ollie would call it, and one on Saturday with the flat.
Hopefully the sun holds up!
I still haven’t blogged about Dover or Edinburgh; I’m terribly inefficient at these things, I know.
But I’ll have you know both were amazing, and it’s not hard to understand why Vera Lynn sang a song about the white cliffs of Dover! We took a tour of Dover Castle as well, and got to see the underground barracks and hospital that functioned during World War 2. Dover Castle was also where the great evacuation of Dunkirk (yeah this is where I casually mention this as if I know all about history when I actually don’t haha) was planned and executed.
Edinburgh was nice because I met up with dearly missed friends Avonne and Chershiong – and got to revisit some old memories, as well as enjoy some nice couply time with Alex!
Yup, Easter was a blast. In a nice, self-discovering, beautiful kind of way. Now I miss easter like a long-lost lover, oh.
Summer term’s great with all the sun and warmth and green green grass dotted with picnickers and football players, but no matter what it’s still exams, exams, and studying.
On the other hand, though, summer is also a lot of singing – rehearsals are swallowing up lots of my time. A few of the choir people are singing for a play called ‘Tis Pity She’s a Whore which is a bit tedious because aside from the usual singing we also have to watch the cast rehearse so we know when to come in – and that takes up so much time! The cast is amazing, though – we watched a rehearsal, no costumes, nothing, and it was horrifying enough at that part where the maid had her eyes gouged out.
Imagine what it’ll be like when all the fake blood comes into the scene.
It will. Be. Amazing.
I’m glad we’re singing for this. 
Also doing a solo for Charity Night. I’m playing guitar as well! Yes I’ve only picked it up in February and I’m bound to embarrass myself, but it’s just not the same if someone else expresses the song for me.
Hope all goes well. Ah.
Here’s a random video. Sick. It’s Domino’s, people, Domino’s.
Disgusting Dominos People – Watch today’s top amazing videos here
Break
The worst thing about Facebook is it makes you compare yourself to other people and wish things for yourself.
Before I blog about things I should be blogging about I’ll steal a bit of your time to breathe in some emotional air- and muse over why I don’t really like how I’m running my life right now. I hate being out of control, and that seems to be exactly what’s happening.
My music playlist isn’t helping a single bit.
Oh well. Ups and downs, and the rocky slopes in between, and the foot that hurts afterwards – that’s what life is about, isn’t it?
Or maybe it’s all about being self-absorbed and focussing on your own priorities…right. But sometimes that’s what it feels like.
Ugh I hate all this uncertainty. And confusion, oh, confusion.
“You get me
When nobody understands
You come and take the chance, baby
You get me
You look inside my wild mind
Never knowing what you’ll find
And still you want me all the time
Yeah, you do
Yeah, you get me”
